The Canadians Are Coming! The Canadians Are Coming!

Back in January, I recounted in this blog that Russian Professor Igor Panarin was predicting that the U.S would go through a civil war this fall and split up into 6 different republics by the summer of 2010.

The professor believed that Missouri -- along with Illinois and Kansas and all the states directly north of us, would become part of the Central Northern American Republic and likely be part of Canada.

I've been watching the news and preparing for this potential event ever since I wrote about it since there is a lot to do before a civil war.

There are snacks to buy. You need plenty of beer. A must-have is a 100-inch TV so you can watch all the action as it unfolds live on the cable news networks. Oh, and you have to have guns and lots and lots of ammo, just in case you need to protect that 100-inch TV from looters.

I'm mostly prepared. I still need to get the guns and ammo. Currently, the only gun I have is a Super Soaker from Hasbro. While it may not be lethal, I can assure you that it will not only get you pretty darn wet, that under very specific conditions it could even shoot somebody's eye out.

So anyhow, I've been scanning the headlines since January and I think I now have empirical evidence of the impending war. I don't want to get you all panicky, but I think everyone should know this fact.

THE CANADIANS ARE COMING! THE CANADIANS ARE COMING!

I think Professor Panarin got part of his prediction wrong. Oh sure, we're going to become part of Canada all right, but it's not going to be from our own choice. They're invading and they're invading NOW.

Those wily Canadians have had their eyes on Missouri and our little corner of the Heartland for quite sometime. As evidence, I give you the airport. Actually the city might just give you the airport if you asked nicely and agreed to take over the various debt payments associated with that property, but that is another story.

Anyhow, you have to look no further than the airport to figure out that those Canadians have been coveting our corner of the Heartland for quite sometime. Just look at the recent sale of the Commander Premier outfit. Who bought it? Canadians, that's who.

According to my friend Paranoid Pete, Canada initially planned to invade our country back in 1999. Pete heard about it from a guy who heard it from another guy who overheard a couple of other guys talking about it while visiting the restroom at Buffalo Wild Wings in the Town Plaza. With a pedigree like that, this story must be true.

"So back in 1999 a company called Zenair chose Cape Girardeau to reputedly make a plane," Pete told me. "This was all just a cover story. In fact, Cape was going to be Canada's southern-most beachhead -- or perhaps considering our geography, bootheelhead -- for their conquest of middle America. But then the Canadians found out that George W. Bush was going to be elected in 2000 over Al Gore and they postponed the invasion."

"Wait a second, Pete. I read about Zenair. They pulled out of coming to Cape in May 1999. That's like 18 months BEFORE Bush was elected to office."

"Yeah, so what? The Canadians have great intel. Everybody knows that. They just want you to think they're all milktoast."

"OK. So let's say Canada was going to invade the United States in 1999 and let's say they actually knew the outcome of our 2000 presidential election 18 months before it was actually held, then why did they cancel their plan just because of George W?"

"It's really simple. George W scared the bejesus out of Canada. They knew he was a cowboy and they knew if they'd already invaded the US that as president he would have come after them loaded for bear. Basically, they were terrified that he might nuke them in retaliation, so they backed off and decided to wait until someone not so ballsy was in office."

"Like Obama?"

"Exactly."

Sometime my friend Paranoid Pete does not sound so paranoid and actually makes sense in a distorted world-view kind of way. This was one of those times.

In fact, after giving Pete's story some serious consideration, I think it may be likely that the Mayor of Cape is even in on the invasion.

Shocking, I know, but Knutson is from Minnesota, which everyone knows is practically South Canada. I believe he's a mole sent here years ago to infiltrate the upper-echelon of Southeast Missouri high society.

Don't think that idea is so far-fetched. Hitler reputedly did stuff like that leading up to the outbreak of World War Two. And that's not the only similarity.

Germany had Blitzkrieg where legions of tanks and infantry swept into neighboring countries. Canada will have Canuckkrieg and use heavily armored snowmobiles to sweep down into Middle America. Or at least that's what Paranoid Pete told me.

Of course the question on everyone's mind is why. Why would Canada want to invade the Heartland of the United States?

It's supply and demand, my friends. They need resources that we have and it's not oil. Unlike ourselves who consume about 25% of the world's petroleum production, Canada has plenty of that.

But we have pigs and the Canadians want them.

Global warming has resulted in skinnier Canadian pigs. Skinnier pigs means that they are producing both less and less tasty back-bacon.

And everyone who has ever watched the documentary "Strange Brew" knows, Canadians love their back-bacon. With their supply of back-bacon in danger of drying up they set their sights on the figurative Saudi Arabia of Pork -- Iowa -- and all of the other pork producing states around it. That includes Missouri.

In fact 6 of the top 7 pork-producing states are in the Canadian invasion plan. If it succeeds, they will have at least 100 years supply of back-bacon.

So watch out if an Artic Clipper buries the Midwest this coming winter with snow down to the Arkansas line because the only sure thing that will stop an endless wave of back-bacon starved, heavily-armed, snow-mobile riding Canadians is no snow.

And maybe my trusty Super Soaker.

Did I mention it can shoot an eye out?

Some sad news to report. The weather balloons I painted up to promote this blog that I discussed on Wednesday have blown away.

I had tethered them to the roof of the Southeast Missourian and I guess the storm that blew through the area Wednesday evening snapped the rope.

I did see on CNN that a UFO resembling a giant head almost collided with a 737 between Atlanta and London. I hope that was just a coincidence.