Local Homeless or Imports?
Eddie's Cape Girardeau Aptitude Test Will Find Out

"I've got a sure-fire solution to this homeless shelter situation," my friend Eddie proclaimed as he sat down for lunch earlier this week. Eddie can usually come up with a 'sure-fire solution' for pretty much any problem.

"I thought you were against the homeless shelter?"

"Oh, I am against it, because I don't believe we need it. If we get one, then every bum in the tri-state area will gravitate to Cape because they'll think we're an easy mark and that, I don't like. But, if you are REALLY homeless and have ACTUALLY lived in Cape County for a significant amount of time, then I'm not opposed to helping you."

"So how are you going to know if a homeless person has actually lived in this area for any long time?"

"Easy. That's my sure-fire solution. The ECGATs is what I call it."

"The ECGATs? Sounds like some kind of a test. Any relation to the SATs?"

"Aren't you the swift one? Yes, it is very similar to the test that prospective college students take when they are high school juniors. ECGAT is short for Eddie's Cape Girardeau Aptitude Test. Our community takes care of its own, and that includes our own homeless -- IF they actually exist. My test is designed to weed out any out-of-town homeless plants that Larry Rice is bussing in to help make his case for a local homeless shelter."

"Eddie, I haven't heard any confirmable proof that Rice is doing anything like that."

"What? Of course he is. After all, I read it in YOUR PAPER."

"Contrary to what you might have heard, just because you read it in Speakout does not mean it is true."

"Hogwash! The only truth in your paper is in Speakout. Well, OK then smart-guy I haven't heard any confirmable proof that Rice is NOT doing it either."

"You got me there. We can neither confirm nor deny that the preacher's organization is doing something so unethical. And I certainly agree with you that our community takes care of it's own charitable needs pretty well."

"Darn straight we do! Just look at the number and the size of all the churches in this area. And think about all the charity shops that the community supports -- Goodwill, Teen Challenge, The Women's Safe House, Salvation Army, Restore just to name a few. If we were so 'spiritually depraved' like Rice said we were, I don't think the area would have any of those things."

"You're right, Eddie. We also have a pretty robust United Way chapter. It's pretty apparent that Rice is trying to shame us into following his agenda. So what are some of these questions on the ECGATs?"

"I thought you would never ask. Alright, what was Louis Lorimier's jackass' name?"

"Are you insane? Do you think ANYONE is going to know the name of a donkey owned by the founder of Cape Girardeau who has been dead for almost 200 years? No one besides a couple local history professors might know that answer."

"Exactly. If Rice knows we're going to make the homeless take the ECGATs to see if they are from around here or not, he's bound to coach them. He'll probably hold classes to make them all experts on Cape. And that's when we nail them! If they know, Louis Lorimier's jackass' name then we will know they're not from around here."

"Pretty sneaky, Eddie. So unlike the SATs, the goal with the ECGATs is not to get the highest score."

"You bet. Aim for average. That's always been my philosophy in life. OK, here's another question. If East Cape Girardeau is east of Cape Girardeau, what is the town immediately to the south?"

"Oh, you're trying to be tricky again and get them to say South Cape Girardeau. It's Scott City, of course."

"Correct. All right, question number three. What's the best place for a handout in Cape?"

"How should I know?"

"Right again. It's another trick question. If you know the answer then you are likely both homeless and a local. OK, here's another one. Name the mall anchor stores that have been located next to Pasta House?"

"I know that one. Venture, Shop-Ko, and Steve and Barry's. I guess that would be pretty easy if you've lived here a long time. So Eddie, what do you propose doing with the people who fail your little test?"

"Ship them off."

"Where? To a detention camp like GITMO?"

"Actually I was thinking more along the lines of CAIRO. It has more of that inner-city decay feeling that they're used to and that Cape just doesn't have. Plus it makes it a lot simpler to keep them over there. We can guard a handful of bridges pretty easy."

"I could see a swarm of lawyers from the ACLU descending on Cape if you tried something like that, Eddie. And Cairo probably wouldn't be too keen on being turned into a detention center for homeless people we don't want. By the way, what was Louis Lorimier's jackass' name?"

"Might just be coincidence, but I heard it was Larry."