Cage Match, Anyone?
How About The Mayor Versus Reverend Rice

"I want to see Reverend Larry Rice and Mayor Knudtson in a cage match."

My friend Eddie made this pronouncement during lunch the other day. Like many people -- myself included -- he's been following the news reports about how St. Louis preacher Larry Rice has formally applied to use the old Federal Building at 339 Broadway as a homeless shelter. Mayor Knudtson is vehemently opposed to the project.

"A cage match?"

"Yeah. It would be great. It's pretty apparent from newspaper articles that those guys don't like each other. Instead of sniping at one another in the media, I think they should just take care of it mano-a-mano."

"And you think a wrestling match would be the ideal solution?

"Definitely. It would be even better if they would do it ThunderDome-style. Two men enter, one man leaves. I would love to see those two guys dangling by industrial bungee cords inside a steel hemisphere trying to reach the various weapons strapped to the inside of the cage."

"Weapons? What kind of weapons?"

"Well, you'd have to have at least one folding chair, and a chainsaw -- you got to have a chainsaw -- and maybe a pew, and possibly even a homeless guy, provided of course that he gave his consent to be considered a potential weapon in a cage match."

"Eddie, has anyone ever told you how politically incorrect you can be?"

"Oh, all the time. And if Rice wins, he gets his homeless shelter without the City hassling him from now to eternity. And if Knudston wins, Rice goes back to St. Louis and stays the heck out of Southeast Missouri for good."

Eddie tends to have squirrelly ideas that have a glimmer of merit.

"So who do you think would win this cage match, Eddie?"

"My money is on the Mayor, since I think he's a few years younger than Rice and he's a pretty big guy. But then again you never know. That preacher fellow might play dirty and try to smash a pulpit over Knudtson's head when his back was turned."

"It sounds like you've given this a lot of thought."

"Of course. I've got it all figured out. We could promote the event as the Marauding Mayor versus the Homeless Hellion. I bet we could even sell out the Show Me Center and donate all the money to charity."

"Let me guess. The money could go to programs benefiting the homeless."

"Heck no. We'd give it all to the United Way and let them divvy it out equitably. I personally don't think that Cape County has a homeless problem that is not currently being dealt with adequately by people in our area. I'm afraid that if Rice gets to convert the old Federal building into a homeless shelter, then Cape will become a 'Field of Dreams.'"

"You mean, 'build it and they will come'?"

"Exactly. Homeless people from all over the place will be flocking to Cape by the busloads."

"And how exactly do you think the homeless will hear about the Cape shelter?"

"Oh, I'm sure Rice would run a massive ad campaign. He'd probably hand out fliers all over the region and have a website and maybe even one of those useless Twitter accounts like your stupid cat. I'm sure he'd buy radio and TV spots. Maybe even some newspaper ads, if you're lucky.

"I could even see him doing a Blues Brother's type of promotion where he mounts a giant speaker to the top of an old Buick and drives it around the Bootheel blaring 'Come Stay At The Homeless Shelter in Downtown Cape.'"

"Eddie, I don't know if a campaign like that would work at actually attracting the homeless to a shelter in downtown Cape Girardeau, but I do know one thing.

"It would be a great way to advertise a cage match."