The Happy Tax
Coming Soon From a Government Near You

I'm not a smoker, I've never been a smoker and I don't intend to start being a smoker.

And it is a darn good thing, since I don't believe I could possibly afford the obscene federal tax hike that smokers will officially start paying on April 1. Some brands have already gone up in price thanks to tobacco companies using this tax increase as an excuse to also beef up their bottom lines.

A pack of name-brand cigarettes will now cost about $5 in Missouri. Even at that high-price, we are still one of the cheaper states for tobacco products.

The Missouri state cigarette tax is only 17 cents, the second lowest in the country just ahead of South Carolina. In comparison, New York assesses $2.75 per pack -- the highest in the nation -- and Illinois is contemplating doubling their tobacco tax to almost $2.

And those amounts are in addition to the new federal cigarette tax of a $1.01 per pack that takes affect April 1.

Ouch!

I think this taxing mentality of our government is getting way out of hand. At some point, when is it going to end?

I would suggest local smokers hold their own "Boston Tea Party" down by the river, if the cigarettes weren't so darned expensive. You would be crazy to chuck a $50 carton of Marlboro's into the Mississippi.

Maybe as a symbolic gesture, they could instead just toss their empty cigarette packs into the river. Of course, they would probably be arrested for littering or defiling a "wetland" area or something like that.

If the government is going to penalize vices, then shouldn't they do all of them? Actually, I would rather they not do any of them, but that will never happen. It's too lucrative of a revenue stream.

And having a steady source of revenue is the only way our government can pay for all of the programs that our elected officials have deemed as "essential."

But over the last few years, tobacco smokers in particular have really been burned with taxes. It's almost at the point that your average smoker may no longer be able to afford tobacco products and have to start using cheaper substitutes like meth or pot or heroin.

The goal of the taxes on tobacco products has been as much an exercise in social engineering as anything. The thought process of our elected officials is pretty obvious:

A large part of society believes smoking is bad. Therefore, let's make it so expensive to smoke that people will stop that bad habit. The world will then be a much better place to live. The End.

At the rate we are going, I imagine that in the near future our country's leadership is going to impose a Happy Tax. It's only the fair thing to do and it sounds, oh so positive. Who can say anything negative about a tax with "Happy" right in its name?

Here's how the Happy Tax will work. It's very simple.

If something makes you happy, then you have to pay the government for that extra little bit of joy in your life. It doesn't get simpler than that.

If drinking a beer or two with your co-workers on a Friday evening after work is your idea of a good-time, you'll have to pick up a little more on the tab for those brews with the Happy Tax.

And you know those $10 worth of lottery tickets you get every Saturday just for fun? They'll now cost you a little extra scratch for the chance to win your money back.

But don't think that just "traditional" vices -- such as smoking, drinking and gambling -- will be the only things that get nailed by the Happy Tax. No, siree. The Happy Tax is designed to be the most equitable tax in existence aiming to tax all things that bring joy to the masses.

For instance, if you eat at your favorite Chinese buffet the first plate won't be taxed, but if you want a second helping of crab rangoons, then you're healthy appetite is going to feed the tax-man.

And if you attend church more than once a week, you obviously must enjoy communing with God, so the government will want its tithe.

Or if you write a blog for the website of a small-town newspaper, just for the fun of it, you better be prepared to pay for the privilege.

While this tax is quite simple, implementation and enforcement might take a bit of work. Obviously, a very monstrous government entity will have to be created. Making sure that everyone pays the correct tax on whatever makes them happy will take a huge workforce.

That's a good thing, though. More jobs will stimulate the economy.

If this Happy Tax does get created I certainly hope the people who are happily collecting their government welfare checks will also get taxed. It would only be fair. Free money should not mean tax-free money.

Them being taxed will make me… well, I can tell you it won't make me "happy."

It will make me, uh, sad.

Very, very sad.