- Cape Rolling Out Bloomfield Road Art Trail (8/21/19)1
- Donors Pledge Almost Two Grand To Replace SEMO's Possibly Sentient ‘Gum Tree' (8/16/18)
- SEMO and The Will To (Become A Consultant) – Part 2 (6/14/18)
- SEMO and The Will To Do (You Really Want To See That Legal Notice?) – Part 1 (6/4/18)
- Judge, Jury... Trashman (6/1/18)
- Diary of Cape Girardeau Road Deconstruction (5/11/18)
- Trying To Save A Tree From City “Improvements” (4/30/18)2
TERRORS CASINO & SPA
What to do with 500 Terrorists?
Easy. Hide them in plain sight.
President Obama's decision to close the Guantanamo Bay detention center which houses approximately 500 Terrorists creates an enormous challenge for America.
What do you do with several hundred bomb-making, anarchy-promoting, SCUD-missile-launching, Osama-bin-Laden-following, America-hating, baseball-and-apple-pie-despising, humus-eating, wife-beating, sheep-molesting, US-flag-burning Terrorists if you don't want to keep them in Cuba and far, far away from the U.S. mainland?
Well, they were all those things.
Now, thanks to President Obama's executive order, they're still all of those things, but with the word "alleged" in front of them.
This is quite a dilemma.
Where do you put these detainees if you don't keep them at a remote military base in Cuba?
Even the US communities with maximum-security prisons are not too keen on the possibility of getting any of these prisoners.
I don't know if they're actually afraid that these Terrorists might be devious enough to make a pipe-bomb out of a used cardboard toilet-paper roll and excess flatulence, or that they might organize and convert the other prisoners into their way of thinking.
The governor of Kansas -- Kathleen Sebelius -- doesn't want them in her state. She has some right to be concerned. Fort Leavenworth is the only maximum-security facility in the U.S. military, and it's in Kansas.
And it's not like our country's traditional maximum and super-max prisons have the space to absorb these extra 500 bodies. Besides, we built those facilities for our own people and not for some good-for-nothing foreign Terrorists.
Clint Tracy -- Cape Girardeau's freshly-minted State Representative -- sent out a press release last Friday saying that he was going to introduce a resolution "opposing the use of Missouri's airports, highways, railways and waterways for the transportation of these terror suspects" from Guantanamo Bay.
He didn't mention opposing the Terrorists being flown over our fair state. That was probably just an oversight. After all, those detainees could still contaminate our air with Terrorist halitosis or the virus that makes those people do whatever it is they've done that we've been detaining them for.
Maybe Clint can amend his resolution to require that IF the Terrorists are flown over Missouri, that during the time they are in our airspace, they must not exhale.
And, that the pilots must fly really, really fast.
Basically, the country is in a conundrum.
We have an executive order to do something without any clear instructions on how to accomplish it without freaking out most of the population.
But I may have a viable solution.
Hide them in plain sight.
Think of it as a Terrorist Relocation Program. Sorry, I mean Alleged Terrorist Relocation Program.
With my solution I would have the Feds quietly buy out one of the floundering casinos in Las Vegas and stick all the GITMO detainees there.
Think about it. The only security difference between a casino and your average prison is that they don't usually lock the doors at a casino. If the truth were known, casinos probably have more and better security.
And to help pay for this endeavor, the feds could keep it operating as a casino. We could even put the detainees to work, helping to pay for all the costs involved with incarcerating them for whatever alleged crimes we've alleged accused them of.
We could even re-brand the casino, to give it a special unique flavor that would integrate well with the inmates.
I'd name the casino "Terrors."
Don't think, I'm suggesting something totally off-the-wall.
The Herbst Gaming company -- I'm not sure if they are any relation to Cape Girardeau City Councilman Charlie Herbst -- operates a number of casinos named "Terrible's." One of them is even located in St. Joseph, Missouri
I think if you can name a casino "Terrible's," then it's not much of stretch to name one "Terrors"
And because our "Terrors" casino would have an obvious theme, no one would be surprised that a lot of the "customer service representatives" were in orange jumpsuits and shackles. In fact, customers would actually expect the "casino employees" to be surly and sullen and generally uncooperative.
It would be part of the charm of "Terrors."
And if one of the "armed guards" at the doors happened to "shoot" one of the "terrorists" attempting to "escape," the gamblers would just think it was part of the floor show, watch for a second, then go back to playing black-jack.
The marketing possibilities for "Terrors" are practically endless.
The Poker room could specialize in GITMO Hold 'em, which would be similar to Texas Hold 'em except the games would last a whole lot longer. Four to six years on average.
"Terrors'" most popular gaming machines would be the repressive slots Red, White & Boom, and Seven Card SCUD video poker.
I bet the gift shop will do a ton of business selling Osama bin Teddy Bears dressed in orange coveralls and sporting leg-irons. Toy stockade and miniature dialysis machine sold separately, of course.
And gamblers who need a break from the action, could visit "Terrors' G' Bay Day Spa" for its signature Terrors' Top-of-the-Line Torture Treatment or the 4-Ts, as it would be more commonly known.
Spa customers would first be pampered with electroshock treatments to the hands and feet. It does wonders for the cuticles! Next, they would be immersed up to their neck in a lavender-scented volcanic mud bath that they would have to dig themselves out of. And the 4-Ts experience would conclude with a soothing 30-minute water-boarding facial.
I could see this entire operation not only paying for itself, but actually making money for the feds.
It might be possible that some of the "customer service representatives" could learn to appreciate all that is great about America and embrace it's core capitalistic values while working off the costs of their incarceration at our federal casino.
We could possibly even convert a few of them into SUV-driving, SuperBowl-loving, the-right-God-fearing, baseball-and-apple-pie-adoring, sheep-respecting, communist-hating, old-folks-appreciating United States Citizens.
Alleged, of course.
And, as long as they didn't live in Missouri.
Thanks to Joe and Rudi for input on this blog.
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