Cape Zoning "Ordinances" Suggest
Plan for Acquiring Hummer-sized Hot Tub

I've wanted a hot tub for quite some time.

Whenever I stay at a hotel with a hot tub, I always make it a point to throw on my swimming trunks and go enjoy a relaxing soak in their spa's bubbly goodness.

It's soooo relaxing.

But I don't want one of those tiny 2-person tubs. No, I want a Hummer-sized spa that practically doubles for a swimming pool and of course, has a built-in TV.

And I'm not talking the Hummer H3, the Hummer H2 or even the Hummer H1. I want a hot tub the size of the Hummer H.

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to figure out how to afford one for my own home. So I've had to get my fix whenever I happen to go on an overnight trip out of town.

But then I read Rudi Keller's article in last Saturday's Southeast Missourian that discussed rental homes, zoning and what defines a renter in Cape Girardeau.

I had an epiphany. You know, one of those light bulb moments.

Suddenly, I knew how to acquire the spa of my dreams.

And in short order.

My wife and I own two homes in Cape. They're next to each other and are zoned R2. We live in the one and rent the other to two tenants. We charge a fair rent, enough to cover that property's note and its expenses and hopefully at the end of the year, make a couple bucks.

But not nearly enough to buy a Hummer-sized hot tub.

According to the article, only single family dwellings with up to 2 roomers are allowed in R1 or R2, unless -- and this is the important fact I gleaned from the Southeast Missourian story -- "separate cooking facilities" are provided to any additional occupants.

Our rental property is a small two-story house which currently has a single "cooking facility" which -- for sake of discussion -- we will call a "kitchen."

However, the house also has 3 bedrooms, a bathroom, an upstairs foyer, dining room, living room, enclosed rear porch, sunroom, one particularly large walk-in closet and a full basement.

So the way I look at it, I have about 10 rooms -- bathroom and the current "kitchen" excluded -- that I could rent out as long as I outfit each of them with a "separate cooking facility"

The zoning ordinances don't exactly specify what is considered the minimum requirements for a "separate cooking facility."

So, I'm thinking an electric hot plate and a Styrofoam cooler should qualify.

After all, I don't want to spend too much on my rental house, just enough to comply with the city.

If I had to put in a stove and a fridge in every room, it would be way too expensive.

That, in turn, would eat into my profits and delay me getting that Hummer-sized hot tub.

Of course, I would only need to put in all those "separate cooking facilities" if I have to rent to unrelated individuals instead of a "family."

Heck, if I could find a big family with a whole bunch of children and maybe a grandparent or two, I could rent them the house and my two current tenants could be their "roomers."

And because they were a family, I wouldn't have to invest in all those hot plates. They could just share the kitchen with my two current tenants. That would save me a couple hundred bucks since each of those hot plates would cost $18.88 at Wal-Mart.

And it would be nice and legal.

I couldn't get away with something like that in St. Louis County where they enforce occupancy permits.

Basically, that county tells the property owner how many people can legally live in a house or an apartment based on its overall square footage and the number of "bedrooms" the inspector thinks are available. They also check that safety ordinances are being complied with. A property is checked by the county whenever the occupants of a residence change.

Having those kind of restrictions puts a damper on the enthusiasm of us investor types.

Back in the late 1980's, a friend of mine from college shared a house that was across from Pagliai's on Broadway before SEMO bought it and turned it into a parking lot.

It was a two-story bungalow. Up to five people lived in the basement, six or seven occupied the main floor and a couple others lived upstairs.

Back then, I just thought the owner of that property was a slum-lord, but now I can see clearly.

The man was a genius.

Using his example and the vagueness of the existing zoning ordinances, I can maximize my rental profits and based on income projections, should be able to afford my Hummer-sized hot tub by next fall.

Maybe, I will even invite my tenants over to take a dip.

Just once, of course.

That way I can use it as a deduction.

Oh, I can just imagine it now. Soaking in my giant hot tub with the chilly autumn air all around, watching episodes of "House" on my built-in TV with the water-proof and floatable remote control close at hand.

The only thing that would make my dream perfect would be a bubbling pot of nacho sauce standing by at snacking-readiness.

I wonder if I can get a spa with a built-in hot plate?