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Professor Predicts U.S. Civil War by This Fall
Cape Could Become the Canadian Riviera
Russian Professor Igor Panarin is predicting that the U.S. will have a civil war this coming fall and dissolve into six entities by the summer of 2010.
According to the Wall Street Journal, he posits that "a mass immigration, economic decline, and moral degradation" will trigger the breakup of the United States.
Maybe this is what Joe Biden was talking about back in October when he said if Obama was elected President he would be tested during his first 6 months in office.
A civil war is a pretty big test by most political standards.
Anyhow, Igor -- who is apparently channeling a combination of Nostradamus, Iben Browning and Groucho Marx -- says that Missouri will be the far southern border of the Central Northern American Republic and will likely be part of Canada.
Illinois and Kansas would also be in the CNAR, but Arkansas would in the Texas Republic along with the entire gulf coast region. They would become part of Mexico.
Kentucky and Tennessee would belong to Atlantic America that would encompass most of the northeast states.
Meanwhile, the western continental US would spin off into the California Republic. Hawaii would become part of China or Japan.
I expect Al-Qaeda to claim the U.S. Virgin Islands.
I don't know about Guam.
Oh, and Russia would take back Alaska. Now, that's a fight I would watch on Pay Per View.
While the Russians would probably take out the Aleutian Islands quickly, the mainland would be another matter. Have they forgotten Afghanistan in the 1980s? Someone should send them a copy of "Charlie Wilson's War."
I think the general population of Alaska is far better armed and quite a bit crazier than the population of Afghanistan ever was.
Anyhow, I don't think it would be such a bad thing if Missouri became part of Canada.
Canada has reasonable healthcare coverage, back-bacon, SCTV, Michael J. Fox, hockey and those Ice Road Truckers from the Discovery Channel reality show.
I like all of those things.
Missouri already has some Canadian sounding cities. St. Louis, Ste. Genevieve, and Cape Girardeau are all French. Although, we may need to adjust the way we pronounce them to be more Canadian-esque.
Instead of Cape JUH-RAR-DOH, we should probably start saying Cape SHUH-RAH-DOO. Better start practicing now or you won't fit in. I know I am.
There are some Missouri towns that have names which may not work for Canada and will have to be changed. For instance, Jefferson City may need to be renamed Le Jeffersonville. Poplar Bluff will likely need to be changed to Peuplier Escarpe.
And Jackson will probably have to be rechristened Cape Girardeau Deux.
Sorry, I know having to re-name your town may be traumatic for some people, but we're all going to have to suck it up.
After all, we'll be Canadian. That's what we do.
I really think it will be cool to be the far southern border of Canada. Compared to most of that country, Southeast Missouri would be almost tropical. Think of it. Cape Girardeau could be THE Canadian Riviera. We could be the mecca for Canadian sun-worshiping tourists.
Sure, we don't have an ocean like most rivieras, but we have the Mississippi and you can't spell riviera without a whole lot of help from word "river."
There is one thing about becoming Canadian that I'm not too keen on.
I'm not nuts about having a leaf as my flag.
Not to insult my future country or anything, but can you get a more pansy-ish symbol? Sure, it's a well-designed symbol, but it's still a leaf. Was the ladybug or the dandelion already taken?
I don't understand why Canada did not use something more manly for their flag.
Like a polar bear. They have those.
Or a hockey player. They have those too.
Maybe even an Ice Road Trucker. They definitely have those.
Now, that's a flag other countries would respect.
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