Strange Reality of Opposites
Today's sermon ( I think the proper Episcopalian term is "homily") was about the co-existence of both joy and sadness. It spoke of the two entities as if they were part of the same continuum. It was emphasized that the human spirit can experience both simultaneously and that both experiences are necessary to truly appreciate the depth and meaning of the two emotions.
The death of a loved one who is in pain and dying of cancer is often an example of something that can trigger being both joy and sadness at the same time. In addition, in life, many things have to end before something else can begin. The ending is sad, but the newly emergent result can be a marvelous gift. For example, my ex-husband leaving me after nine years of marriage gave me permission to find myself and to become enmeshed in my current spiritual journey.
The most recent personal example of joy/sadness occurring simultaneously in my life happened when a friend posted on Facebook this week that the daughter of my deceased stepson was becoming more and more immersed in learning to cook and was planning on becoming a chef as her father had been.
She never got to know her father; he died unexpectedly before she was a year old. I think feeling the pain of his death was the first time I remember being aware of experiencing extreme grief and being comforted at the same time. As I was leaving for his funeral, I looked out over the Colorado landscape and immediately thought " I am looking to the mountains from whence cometh my strength." God was there; his eternal presence was what kept me going through that dark time.
I have memories of that last summer with Alan prior to his death---visions of him proudly holding his newborn daughter with love and joy radiating from his smile. Those memories will always stay with me. The moment when I read that his daughter wanted to be a chef brought an instantaneous tear to my face. I felt as if Alan was standing by my side sharing my tears of joy and feeling proud of his daughter.
I used to think people who said we could not know joy without first knowing sadness/pain were just spouting platitudes. Now, as I am older and have had more experiences, I realize they are right. Perhaps we have to become familiar with experiencing both feelings before we can begin to understand this "strange reality of opposites."
I have been finding it painful to talk to my father on the telephone. He is almost 92, and his mind and body are increasingly showing signs of "wearing out." Often now, even talking about pleasant long term memories associated with my childhood fails to "spark his memory." He does not remember the days and nights I spent with him two years ago in ICU and that hospital's corresponding step-down unit. Much of my father as I have know him is "not there," and that is the source of my pain. But, thankfully, that is counterbalanced by the joy of having him answer his phone, know who I am, and by us always ending the conversation by telling each other "I love you." We didn't use to do that; so that heart-felt sharing of love has been born out of the pain of prolonged and/or anticipated parting we are experiencing as father and daughter.
Am I happy? Sad? Both? Oh yes. And one more thing, I am grateful to be aware of it and to particularly savor the joy component with gratitude. As soon as I finish posting this, I'm going to call my father. I thank Creator for giving me that privilege today. May God bless and keep you.
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