BOOBY TRAPPED

Cheap High Heels and a Hot Flash

Booby Trapped

I know that this is a sensitive subject, but, as a woman who is well endowed, I feel the need to address that which is mammary. Let's face it ladies. No matter what they're called, breasts, boobs, ta-ta's, the girls; our chests are, more often than not, the topic of conversation, speculation and curiosity by both men and women alike. Are they or aren't they? Did she or didn't she? From bra commercials, to movies, magazine ads to cartoons, jokes and songs, our society is fixated on them.

As little girls, most of us couldn't wait for our first training bra. I was uncertain what that miraculous bra was supposed to train my breasts to do. But that didn't really matter. My swollen little mosquito bites would now be tucked in to the finest training bra money could buy. I had joined the big girls club. It was an important milestone. My first bra was such a big deal, that once I outgrew it, I think my mother must have had it preserved and put it between pages of my baby book. You can ask any women you know and she'll tell you that she remembers her first bra. It was likely white, cotton, single hook, thin strapped with a cute little satin bow sewn ever so sweetly between the two soft little cups. And, once a girl's chest was properly trained, she could graduate to a real bra, the size 'A'. The girl that wore the size 'A' was envied by the other girls. She was probably the same girl that got to wear mascara and lip gloss! The size 'A' bra had two hooks to hold the girls in place and came in every color under the rainbow. If you were lucky, your mother would let you wear a racy black size 'A' or even a garish red. Alas, thanks to my mother's strict rules and my plain white school uniform blouse, my under garment choices were limited to white and nude. But hell hath no fury like an adolescent girl that graduates to the size 'B' and beyond. Forget the white cotton. Choices now ranged from satin, to damask, from leather trim to lace. The sky was the limit! The age of innocence was gone forever. Boobs were in and our dresser drawers overflowed with soft cups, underwire cups, racer backs and strapless wonders.

The joy and marvel of my own breasts came to a screeching halt once I had children. What were once perky and bouncy were now heavy, miserable and unattractive. The 44 DD's were their own personal shower heads and caused pain and personal embarrassment. The fun was over. I was back in the plain white and occasional nude bra, but this time there were four hooks, thick straps, seams, and I'm quite certain, a disclaimer label that read, 'Your boobs are ginormous. Expect people to stop and stare. This bra can also be used as a carry on item in airplanes as well as a produce sack at your local grocery store'. I think one of my bras could have been used as a window valance or bed skirt as well. I was convinced that I would grow older with what appeared to be two plastic bags filled with pudding, strapped to my chest.

Although I'm no longer a 44DD, I'm still on the bigger side of what society and fashion would deem as normal or average. For those women with smaller breasts, the lure of implants or padded water bras looms large. Enhanced cleavage, personal body image, and sexy undergarments whisper your name. For me, I wish I were smaller. Yes, I'm healthy and for that I am more than grateful. That being said, I am bothered by the sales woman who says, 'We can show you an attractive minimizer bra', and the ever popular 'You'll need a larger size shirt because your boobs are so big.' My personal favorite is, 'Have you considered a breast reduction?' Frankly, I hate it! I am often so self conscious that I don't want pictures taken of me from the neck down. In a world consumed by bosoms, you think I'd be quite comfortable. But, I'm not. I'm somewhat insecure about mine.

Imagine a world where people say to small breasted woman, 'Hey, how about some hefty padding to round ya out?' or 'Let's go in the pre-teen department for your shirt since you're so very flat?' Perhaps a comment such as, 'You're so small, maybe you should consider getting implants' would be acceptable? I think not. That would be grossly rude and intrusive.

Look, whether you're an 'A' or an 'E', it's your business. Staying abreast of the latest fashions may always be challenging, regardless of your cup size. And if your breasts enter a room long before you do, try to pull your shoulders back and stand proudly. I am who I am. I've got what God gave me (or what I paid for) I'm trying to like my......

Ummm...excuse me sir. My eyes are up here!

Oh, never mind.