River stage: 17.71 ft. Rising
Thursday, Aug. 28, 2014
Not Quite Your Father's Oldsmobile (or Pontiac, or Saturn...)Posted Friday, May 22, 2009, at 3:18 AM
THE CZAR CAR USA 1 (Mark IV)
Imagine a Volvo without the personality or the screaming horsepower.
THE ALL NEW, US GOVERNMENT / UAW DESIGNED CZAR CAR USA 1 (Mark IV) - AT A GOVERNMENT MOTORS DEARLERSHIP NEAR YOU!
It is governed to 40 mph and the massive bumpers are made out of huge, powerful magnets to prevent drivers from bashing into each other. The back seat has three built in car seats in order to meet the new cradle to 10th grade restraining laws.
One car seat for children 0 to 12 months. A car seat for children 12 to 48 months. And finally a car seat for children 48 to 180 months!
The windows roll down just far enough to move a slight trace of air - NOT enough for a discarded cigarette butt and CERTAINLY not far enough for a visit to the unhealthy fast food drive through!
In fact, the emissions from a Czar Car will feed a family of four AND meet the FDA recommended daily food intake.
The Czar Car USA 1 Mark IV runs entirely on a blend of reprocessed chicken fat and ethanol! The emissions are stored in a rusty bucket hanging from a hook conveniently located under the car for easy access! Once cooled, the emissions form a tasty gel that can be eaten with a spoon!
Ummm! With the Czar Car USA 1 (Mark IV): the more you drive, the more you eat!
Of coarse the Czar Cars are not equipped with ozone depleting air conditioning - A/C is not even an option!
In fact, there is only option for your new 2016 Czar Car - your choice of an AM or FM radio with automatic, permanent NPR scan and lock.
Every Czar Car's stylish exterior will be Avocado Green in color. Avocado Green was deemed most desirable in a nationwide study as being least offensive and most cool to the touch, not to mention the fact that every former General Motors auto factory in the country has a vast surplus of Avocado Green paint left over from the Seventies!
Waste not, want not!
Every Czar Car's interior will be made of a futuristic, state of the art dirty gray, faux cloth-like material called Bagspex!
Bagspex is a biodegradable, environmentally sound, non-corrosive, super flexible, hypo-allergenic material made out of 100% recycled Wal-Mart bags. The seats can also be used as a floatation device in the event of accidental submersion during an impending global warming catastrophe in the very near future.
In addition to the sporty five point harness NASCAR style seat belts and front, side, and rear airbags, the Czar Car will also feature ceiling airbags as standard equipment. These ceiling airbags will deploy in case of vehicle turnover to prevent the roof from caving in on the occupants by providing a super strong "filling" between the top of the occupants' heads, and the ceiling of the Czar Car.
As a bonus, the ceiling airbags must be stored in the roof of the Czar Car, which will result in a radically rotund roofline that will help you forget about the overall boxy, Soviet influenced lines of the rest of the car.
As always, the 10 day, 1,000 mile limited warranty is FREE and backed by the US government!
All this for only $750,000,000,000!
Test drive a new Government Motors Czar Car today! You WILL be impressed because you have NO CHOICE! Remember, the Mandatory Old Car Trade / Recycle Program is being enforced, or take advantage of our low, low financing available exclusively through Paulson Lending and Pawn Brokers.
Poor households, or those with a combined annual income of less than $600 million, will qualify for a 25% off voucher available at all Fannie Mae or Freddy Mac locations!
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Rick "Lumpy" Vandeven is a lifelong resident of Scott County, Missouri. He is living the American dream of marriage, children, and a 30-year fixed rate mortgage despite the absurd obstacles thrown at him by inept government entities at every conceivable level. In his meager spare time, Lumpy plays drums for the politically charged punk band - Richard's Nixon. He is also dedicated to crafting the perfect homebrewed beer, and enjoys voting and tasting exotic cheeses.
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