The Football List

The 2008 NFL regular season is less than three weeks away, and it's time for me to start getting excited. I'm a football fan. A big football fan. And if you're a longtime reader of this particular blog, you may recall how disgusted I was with the participants of the last Super Bowl. But you might be curious to know how I feel about the rest of the teams in the league. And even if you're not, let's just assume you are for the sake of entertainment. Much like my baseball fandom, my football obsession is constructed around the unwavering allegiance to that one team that I really really like, and the blind hatred of the many "villain" teams of the league that frequently stand between my team and a world championship. And everybody that falls in between, as well.

No matter the sport, I have a sort of subconscious rating system in which I rank each team based on how much I like them. There can only be one favorite team, and there can only be one most-hated team, with all of the others falling into three categories: teams I can root for when they aren't playing my favorite team, teams I don't really care about one way or another, and teams I highly dislike. Reasons for which I like or dislike teams are highly variable and follow no path of logic whatsoever. It can often be because of just one guy, or the head coach, or the uniforms, or revenge, etc.

Made in the spirit of the "Power Rankings" lists you'll find on ESPN or Fox Sports, this is my list for the National Football League. I'm sure you'll disagree with me on the ranking of numerous teams, but that is all right.

Favorite Team

1. Philadelphia Eagles - The origin of my love for the Eagles is simple. My brother really liked the Eagles, and I wanted to be like him when I was little, so I became an Eagles fan, as well. We're both still Eagles fans, and we like it that way. However, despite the dubious beginnings of my Eagles fandom, there is currently no other team in the league I'd ever care to like more than the Philadelphia Eagles. The Eagles have been forging a name for themselves really since the late 80s or so, when the likes of Randall Cunningham and an otherworldly, Reggie White-led defense gave teams several more reasons to soil themselves at the sight of Veterans Stadium.

Speaking of Veterans Stadium—what a dump. The locker rooms and clubhouses leaked, it had rats (and other animals), and there were seams, bumps, panels, and cracks on the field that players' feet could get caught on. Nobody wanted to play at Veterans Stadium. In conclusion, they never should have torn it down. What a great psychological advantage.

There is a certain poetry or mystique behind Eagles football that I can't quite put my finger on, but I know I like it. With a perpetually bitter and angry fanbase and a roster of men just as likely to pop opponents in the mouth or suplex them (ask Brian Dawkins) as they are to simply tackle them, the Eagles are the team for me!

Teams I Can Root For When Not Playing the Favorite Team

2. Cleveland Browns - I became a Browns fan around 1994, in the days of Vinny Testaverde, Eric Metcalf, and Michael Jackson (the receiver, not the whacked out pop icon). The first football game I ever saw in person was a Colts-Browns game at the RCA Dome in Indianapolis, and I've liked the Browns ever since. Although, it has been a tough go of it—they've stunk for except two or three years since I've been a fan, and the team also didn't even exist for a few years after the first incarnation of the Browns moved to Baltimore. I have pretty high hopes for the Browns this year, so maybe they won't blow it.

3. St. Louis Rams - I latched onto the Rams when they moved to St. Louis, suffered through a lot of really crappy years of Rich Brooks, Tony Banks and Lawrence Phillips, saw them finally get good and win a Super Bowl, and have since solemnly watched the team deteriorate over the years. Isaac Bruce and Kurt Warner are gone, Marshall Faulk retired, and now Steven Jackson is holding out. I was kind of hoping Howie Long might come out of retirement to play ball with son Chris Long, but that is as much of a longshot as the Rams winning 3 games this season. Bummer. Also, bring back the blue and yellow uniforms—this blue and gold business has gotta stop.

4. Houston Texans - I have no real reason to like the Texans other than the fact that I do kind of like their uniforms and maybe consider them a healthier Texas alternative to the Dallas Cowboys. Regardless, I've caught myself rooting for the team since its inception.

5. Indianapolis Colts - Peyton Manning has all of the skill, charm, endorsements, and media attention that usually makes me despise such a star player. But for some reason, I like Peyton a lot (and I think he's funny in commercials). I badly wanted to see a Rams-Colts Super Bowl back in that year the Rams won the Super Bowl, and have kind of been pulling for the Colts ever since.

6. Oakland Raiders - Allegedly and historically a bunch of dirty, rule-breaking scoundrels wishing for nothing more than to pound and punish their opponents. The Raiders also have a crazy owner, a cool logo, and a far-reaching fanbase that includes, but is not limited to, Tom Hanks, Darth Vader, and my friend Gabe. What's not to like?!

7. Minnesota Vikings - The Vikings had a magical year back in 1998 that saw one of my old favorites, Randall Cunningham, lead the team to the NFC Championship game before the Vikings' terrific season saw premature termination at the hands of the Atlanta Falcons. I've had a soft spot for the Vikings since that year, and I really wish Randall could have tasted the Super Bowl in what ended up being his last real chance to get there.

8. Kansas City Chiefs - Home state allegiance. Lots of fun to watch in the 1990s when Joe Montana and Marcus Allen were there in the twilight of their careers. Lots of good teams over the years, but sadly no real playoff success. Cool uniforms.

9. Arizona Cardinals - I used to really hate the Cardinals because they were in the same division as the Eagles and usually beat them thanks to ridiculous comebacks by former quarterback Jake Plummer. These days I find myself rooting for the Cardinals a lot, even if they're in the same division as the Rams. It's amazing what realignment can do to help a team's standing with me. And I still feel the need to pull for Kurt Warner.

10. San Diego Chargers - With three teams in my top 10, the AFC West is clearly the least offensive division in the NFL. I love the Chargers' retro blue and white uniforms, and LaDainian Tomlinson is a fun dude to watch. I'm not a big Shawne Merriman fan at all, but it doesn't affect the Chargers' place in the rankings.

Teams I Don't Really Care About One Way or Another

11. Denver Broncos - The AFC West is to be hereby known as the "Good Uniforms Division," as I also like the Broncos' threads, and thus, like something about the uniform of every team in the division. The days of John Elway were fantastic, and since then, I just can't find anything offensive about the Broncos.

12. Tennessee Titans - Well, they were part of one of the best Super Bowls ever, and I do really like head coach Jeff Fisher.

13. Cincinnati Bengals - Wide receiver Chad Johnson is kind of a dope (Diet Terrell Owens, if you will), but other than him, I don't have anything against the Bengals. Besides, the Browns need help holding off the two other bad guy teams in the division.

14. Buffalo Bills - The least the Bills could have done was win at least one of those four consecutive Super Bowls against every NFC East team except the Eagles, but I guess that was just too much to ask. Seriously though, the Bills are all right. Cool helmets.

15. Seattle Seahawks - Most of the appeal in watching Seahawks games is watching (and listening) to the Seattle fans—they are really into the games and bring a lot even to the experience of watching the Seahawks on television. I liked their old silver uniform—the current one is just a knock-off of the Eagles' uniform.

16. New Orleans Saints - They had that one good year in 2006 when they went to the playoffs (and beat the Eagles), and they got to a point at which they and the Rams developed a pretty fierce rivalry. Despite these rather negative attributes, I still find the Saints to be a relatively inoffensive and forgettable football team.

17. Detroit Lions - Last season, people remembered that the Lions existed when they won more than four games. This year, the Lions have a lofty goal—win more than four games in a season for the second straight year. Can they do it?! If they do, let me know—I'll be too busy paying attention to every other team in the league.

18. San Francisco 49ers - The 49ers made some big moves and are looking for big things to happen this season. Unfortunately, these big moves do not include the return of Joe Montana or Steve Young, so I wouldn't anticipate too much of an improvement. At this point, the 49ers are almost completely off my radar.

19. Jacksonville Jaguars - I've never really cared much for either of the "cat" expansion teams, but Jacksonville isn't quite as offensive as Carolina.

20. Miami Dolphins - They haven't really done anything for me for awhile, but it would be nice to see them improve and really take it to one particularly nasty team in their division. The addition of Bill Parcells could also help the Dolphins in my standings.

21. Chicago Bears - I don't dislike the Bears, but I get tired of Bears news stories. If they could get a legitimate quarterback and keep Lance Briggs from crashing any more Lamborghinis, the Bears could spring up a few places on the list.

22. Carolina Panthers - I don't quite dislike the Panthers, but I've been awfully close for some years now. The Panthers are a very overrated team—no matter how good or bad you think they are, about eight dudes on ESPN will pick them to go to the Super Bowl every year, and I've really grown irritated by them never going to the Super Bowl (except that one year).

23. New York Jets - This team could be at the bottom of the list by the end of the season, depending on how frequently all of the sports pundits slurp the newest New York Jet, quarterback Brett Favre.

Teams I Highly Dislike

24. Green Bay Packers - I liked the Packers years ago when they were cleaning house with the other NFC teams in the playoffs. But after awhile, I realized I was getting sick of the Packers being good every year, and I was really getting sick of Brett Favre stopping everything in the football world to decide whether or not he would retire. How tiresome. It's going to take a couple of years of healing to move the Packers back up my list.

25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Long-standing dislike since the days when the Bucs and Rams were big rivals and when the Bucs and Eagles were big rivals. Two years in a row, the Bucs were favored to beat Philly at Philly in the playoffs, and the Eagles won both times. Then when they met in the NFC Championship Game the following year and the Eagles were finally favored, the Bucs dominated and went on to win the Super Bowl. Even though almost everybody from that regime has moved on since then, the Bucs still get under my skin. That and I liked their old uniforms better.

26. Pittsburgh Steelers - This is a particularly irrational dislike. Besides being in the same division as the Browns, I don't really have a reason to dislike them. But I do dislike them. Honestly, like the Packers, I think the Steelers have just been too good for too long, and I'm sick of them.

27. Washington Redskins - Least offensive of the Eagles' NFC East rivals. The Redskins have never been good enough in my time as an Eagles fan to really draw my ire, but they usually have close, hotly contested match-ups against the Eagles and usually beat them once a year, so they've still become irritating villains.

28. Baltimore Ravens - Like the Panthers, the Ravens are another massively overrated team. I know they have a good defense, but I would have thought people might wisen up and stop picking the Ravens to go to the Super Bowl every year. Even after last year's 5-11 disaster, at least one crazy out there will end up picking the Ravens to go yet again. Oh, and the Ravens are the old Cleveland Browns—I wasn't too happy about the Browns leaving Cleveland, and I'm still not too thrilled about having to see the Ravens at any given moment.

29. Atlanta Falcons - Besides beating the Vikings in overtime in that game I mentioned earlier and crushing Randall Cunningham's dreams, I don't have any legitimate reasons to dislike the Falcons. Although, the whole Michael Vick dog incident certainly doesn't help their case, even if it's an incident separate from football.

30. Dallas Cowboys - These guys are pretty hard to deal with. Before the Rams came to St. Louis, I remember most people around here being Dallas Cowboys fans, and as an Eagles fan, I was subject to great volumes of taunting and heckling. I'd always fight back by talking about how great the Eagles were, and then they'd go and get stomped by the Cowboys in half a quarter, since Dallas was much better in those days, and then I had to deal with a second round of taunting and heckling the day after the game. The Cowboys were the great football villains of the 1990s, but they've since been surpassed by a couple of other unsavory teams.

P.S. - Terrell Owens is still a major jerk

31. New England Patriots - Tom Brady. The Tuck Rule. Three Super Bowl Championships in the last seven years, including Super Bowl victories against the Eagles and Rams. Tom Brady's super hot supermodel girlfriend. A 16-0 regular season. Understandably, these are all things that make me really dislike the New England Patriots. Way, way too much success in such a short amount of time. Tom Brady being hailed as the greatest quarterback of all time after just seven years of starting experience in the league? Come on. Seeing them lose the Super Bowl in February was one of the greatest things I've ever seen. It's just a shame that the loss had to come against….

Most-Hated Team

32. New York Giants - Once I got into high school, I started paying even closer attention to football and was old enough to understand more strategy and nuance of the game. I consider high school some of my formative years as both a person and a football fan. Unfortunately, at this time, the New York Giants were usually at the top of the heap in the NFC East and had definitely become the greatest rival of the Eagles at the time, and they were coached by the extraordinarily irritating Jim "This team is going to the playoffs" Fassell, whose cockiness and mannerisms got really old really quick. The Eagles lost eight or nine straight games to the Giants, and I got to point where I was just disgusted as I could be with the Giants, and the feeling has stuck. While my dislike of the Giants doesn't quite reach the same level as my dislike of the Cubs in baseball, there's definitely still an extra flow of rage and adrenaline in my body each time a game against the Giants rolls around. Oh, and their red jerseys with white numbers and their white jerseys with red numbers both look pretty awful, as far as I'm concerned. Unless the Cowboys, Redskins, or Patriots go on to commit some truly heinous act against any of my teams in the coming years, I foresee the Giants holding on to this spot for a long time.

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